You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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