why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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