so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
