I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
