My first STD was from a foam party
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
