He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
