I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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