I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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