is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
