chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Boobs speak an international language.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
