So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i came on her dog
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
