She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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