dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
