if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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