did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
