Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
