Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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