He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
How does it feel to date your dad?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
