I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
