I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
