i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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