Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
