There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
