Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
