it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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