Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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