Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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