Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
