made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Pants are for mortals
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
