if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
