Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
