So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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