The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
