It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
