I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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