She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
