The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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