I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
