I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
