The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
