So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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