Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
