Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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