Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
