I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
