I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
