So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
