He disabled his match.com account in front of me
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
