Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
