Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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